Poetry In The Mind's Well: The night slips in

Thursday, August 19, 2010

The night slips in

The night slips in
wearing a silk chemise

And sits by the window,
the music is Liebestraum.

Singing along
with every note,

Her breath,
a gossamer.

5 comments:

Khakjaan Wessington said...: Pro:
-Each line had nice meter, even if there was no metrical schema. You could use any rhythm from any line and write a poem around it.
-Sets the emotion well.

Con:
-Just a setting and freezes in time to no great benefit for the reader.

Mixed:
-The ambiguity & pathetic fallacy is charming at first, but doesn't lead anywhere, except w/ blending. I think you try to resolve this w/ gossamer, but I don't think one word effectively turns the widening momentum of the poem back into focus.

Suggestion:
-Compose a new poem, starting where you ended. Don't keep it. Integrate what you wrote here into that poem & discard what doesn't work. See if that gets closer to your poetic intention.; 8/19/10 4:11 PM
K. Kayin W. said...: Khakjaan,

Thank you for your comment, you are actively reading and responding, I appreciate that.

I tend to follow my own rhythm instead of any formal scheme. Some of the poets I enjoy reading are Rae Armantrout, Alice Notley, Lorrine Niedecker and Robert Creeley.

It doesn't benefit the reader in that there is nothing to learn, nor is the poem trying to teach or comment on anything.

It is a setting that is suspending a mood. I am trying to hold the emotion there. The choice for words like "silk chemise", "gossamer" is my attempt to evoke a certain delicacy. Liebestraum is a very passionate piano piece by Liszt. Maybe someone who can hear the music will find an emotional resonance when reading the words. But then, you have to be in a certain emotional state for it to evoke that kind of a reaction.

There are other thoughts I have but I am not in the mind space to think them through. I may take up your suggestion, but do not know whether the new poem will evoke my poetic intention or just loses the mystery instead. - K.; 8/19/10 7:35 PM
Khakjaan Wessington said...: Thanks for responding seriously to my comment. I really appreciate it!

Liszt is one of my favorite piano composers and I know Liebestraum well enough to hum it; I don't think that I missed the delicacy in the poem--I just tend to spend more time critiquing what doesn't work in a poem, because the author is often familiar with what's working in her or his poem. I actually thought the pathetic fallacy was executed really well; that's what I meant on it blending the narrator, the music and the night together.

I didn't mean to sound like I was criticizing your meter, I was actually trying to salute you. We both know it's harder to write free verse than it looks and that's what I was noting. Often, free verse reads like prose with linebreaks. You took control of every line w/ the meter. That's all I meant. You could easily pull out any one of those beat schemas and--if you wanted to do so--could make it a regular meter.

As for suspending mood--yes, that's always a nice thing; but you can never set foot in the same river twice. All writing is embodied in time. Maybe writing past the finish wouldn't help you, but I always find it helpful; especially when a poem doesn't say everything I wanted it to say. But everybody's different, so maybe it's not for you.

Anyhow, thanks for the read & the thoughtful response.; 8/19/10 8:08 PM
K. Kayin W. said...: Hi,

Thanks for clarifying your comment about the meter; I didn't read that you were criticizing (even if that's the case I don't think you should back down from your point of view - that is unless I can convince you otherwise), more that you were expressing your preference for a more traditional meter. Thus, I brought up some of the poets that I've been reading as a point of reference for my influences.

I take it than that you found the poem kind of aimless/lack focus? Yes, I tend to get caught up with capturing some unexplainable moments that are not readily understood or drawn out. I suspect it's also due to not so much personal time to think on any one thing to draw out an interest for a longer piece. Writing you know takes great concentration and that's an area I am lacking at the moment.; 8/19/10 9:07 PM
Khakjaan Wessington said...: I didn't think the poem lacked focus or was aimless--just didn't go far enough. You spent all that effort getting to a point where the reader is receptive to what's next and I guess I was just surprised you didn't take more advantage of it. Not a crit. Taste preference maybe.

And even though I write lots of metered poetry, I enjoy poetry of all types.

As Jay-Z sez, 'on to the next one!'; 8/19/10 10:20 PM